Plus size blogger and vlogger

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Do I Stay or Do I Go?

This blog post has been floating about in my head for awhile now and I decided it was time to get it out of my head onto the screen.

If you are a regular reader of my blog you will have noticed a decline in blog posts this year and even Outfit August which I normally love couldn't seem to motivate me to do outfit posts.

Somewhere along the line I seem to have lost my love of blogging and my mojo- well that wandered off awhile ago never to be seen again! When I first started blogging three and a half years ago I was so excited everytime  I blogged a new outfit post and it gave me a much needed confidence boost.



Over time the excitement has died down which is to be expected but it has now come to a point where I think about getting dressed to do an outfit post and then I find an excuse not to do it. I'm too tired, I'm too hot the light isn't good enough etc etc. I think some of this stems from a lack of confidence in myself which has been slowly creeping up on me and chipping away at how I feel when I see the reflection in the mirror. Even the number of selfies I post on Instagram has slowed down (and I love a good selfie!) as I struggle to deal with the inner demons.

Also since going full time at work (I was part time when I started blogging) I don't have as much time to blog and the constant worry of making ends meet every month on one income (hubster is a full time dad to our son and bloody wonderful to boot!) doesn't help and means I don't have loads of spare money to play with!

The world of blogging has changed over the years, there are so many voices vying to be heard and it can feel like you are shouting out into the void at times. People also want instant information and will head to Instagram and Snapchat for outfit posts and details rather than reading blog posts just to find the link they want.

If I am truly honest I think some of this stems from the early miscarriage I suffered back in April of this year (and is the reason I can no longer watch my Pontins vlog as I was pregnant when I was filming). I think I probably haven't fully dealt with it on some deeper level and it has also made me aware of my age and the fact that having another baby is not a viable option for me. In my heart of hearts I knew that having another baby at this stage of my life was going to be tough and with me being the main wage earner a lot of pressure but still the loss hurt just as it had before. It was only recently that I sat down and thought about it and realised that since that time I haven't really been fully present. I flounder about on social media trying to always be positive but in reality hiding away when it all gets too much and losing myself in binge watching Parks and Recreation or playing video games.

I also feel (and I said this to a friend the other day) that in the blogging world I am the girl with the beautiful and popular best friend who everyone loves and I am just tagging along. I am Barb from Stranger Things (if you have Netflix and haven't seen it yet I urge you to watch it!) I even had hair and glasses like her when I was in my teens. They say that comparison is the thief of joy and it is hard to not compare yourself to others and I know that I should blog for me but sometimes it just isn't that easy to shut your brain off from doing that. I know that I need to be the best version of me but right now I don't know who me is as I bumble along.

I think I need to take some time out and maybe get some help as I think my mental health is suffering more than maybe I realised.

So I guess what I am trying to say in a long and rambling manner is do I continue to blog or do I call it a day and just fade away?



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