June its a funny month

Well its June we are halfway through the year, and June is a funny month for me- good in that it is the month in which I celebrate not only mine but also my mum's birthday,- and sad in that it was the due date of the baby I lost two and half years ago. (If this type of topic upsets you then please feel free to stop reading at this point).

Now most of you only know me as the mad blonde lady who rambles on about fashion most of the time and is usually quite a happy sort but I have my dark times and suffering a miscarriage was one of those times. I am blessed in that I already have a son who is now six and who I love with all my heart and I know how lucky I am to even have one child as some people never get to experience parenthood and can only watch from afar, but that didn't make the pain of miscarriage any easier to deal with and trying to explain to a then 3 year old that the baby in mummy's tummy had gone to heaven was quite hard and very upsetting.

I had an early miscarriage I had only known I was pregnant for a week when the spotting started, and as I had spotted with my first pregnancy I tried not to worry at first that was until the bleeding started to become heavier over the next few days and I knew I was losing the baby, which was confirmed by an ultrasound where all that greeted me was my empty womb.

Up until this point miscarriage was something that happened to other people not me and even though I was at a very early stage from the moment you discover you are expecting your whole life changes and plans begin to be made, and then all of a sudden someone rips the rug out from underneath you and it is gone.

In the days that followed I put on a brave face and tried to be matter of fact about it I took a week off work to get myself together and went on with my life, this was all when and good for awhile and then a few months later it hit me and all I could think was its not fair. Everyone would say well there was obviously something wrong and that was natures way of dealing with it and yes they were just trying to be nice but this just made me more angry and I just wanted to yell its not fair.I would even wake up in the night and look for the baby before I realised and fully woke up!

 It took me a long time to come to terms with what had happened and people tended to avoid the subject as miscarriage in particular early miscarriage is still a very taboo subject and one which we don't talk about, but there is a fantastic charity called Saying Goodbye.

"The Saying Goodbye Services are the first national set of remembrance services for people who have lost a child at any stage of pregnancy, at birth or in infancy, whether last week or 80-years ago. "

For anyone who has ever suffered a loss such as this then I would definitely recommend their site, as whilst time heals you never forget even though those around you do.

Sadly after numerous and very long discussions husband has decided that he doesn't want to try for anymore children, there are lots of factors and reasons all of which are very valid (age, money, childcare etc etc), and I have shed countless tears but I have finally reached a point (or nearly) where I have become accepting of this situation as I know that in the long run it is better I am 38 this year and he is 43 and whilst I am not past it yet there are implications to having another one at this age.

Having said that there will always be a part of me who would have wanted another baby and even now I sometimes have the strange feeling that someone is missing and that we are somehow incomplete but I love my little family and whenever I hear Somewhere Over the Rainbow I can't help but feel that somewhere out there my baby is looking down on us and smiling.

I had hoped to complete this post without crying but sadly I fell at the final hurdle, although my hope is that in writing all of this down it is carthartic and will allow me to move on, and also that for anyone else who has suffered a miscarriage to know that you are not alone.

I leave you with this

Love
Nikki
xxx